“Eroticism is an antidote to death.”
- is a tested topic sentenc in sexualpsychology.
It points to a quality of aliveness that we experience in intense connection, discovery, or accomplishment.
Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exists without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is no thing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused - when two become one - connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a recondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex
Thus the psychology of our desire often lies buried in the details of our childhood, and digging through the early history of our lives uncovers its archaeology. We can trace back to where we learned to love and how. Did we learn to experience pleasure or not, to trust others or not, to receive or be denied? Were our parents monitoring our needs or were we expected to monitor theirs? Did we turn to them for protection, or did we flee them to protect ourselves? Were we rejected? Humiliated? Abandoned? Were we held? Rocked? Soothed? Did we learn not to expect too much, to hide when we are upset, to make eye contact? In our family, we sense when it’s OK to thrive and when others might be hurt by our zest. We learn how to feel about our body, our gender, and our sexuality. And we learn a multitude of other lessons about who and how to be: to open up or to shut down, to sing or to whisper, to cry or to hide our tears, to dare or to be afraid.This is called the erotic blueprint. Tell me how you were loved, and i will tell you how you love.
So when a couple seek counceling desperatly, dejected, enraged they don’t just miss sex, the act; they miss the feeling of connection, playfulness, and renewal that sex allows them. I invite you to join me in my Exhibition as we work toward opening up and coming a step closer to transcendence. Today, our sexuality is an open-ended personal project; its starts with our birth and ends with our death. It is no longer merely something we do, it is part of who we are, an identity.
So this is a journey towards ones self. And this is so remarkably captured in the book of the French psychologist Jacques Salomé who talks about the need to develop a personal intimacy with one’s own self as a counterbalance to the couple. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner. In our mutual intimacy we make love, we have children, and we share physical space and interests. Indeed, we blend the essential parts of our lives. But “essential” does not mean “all.” Personal intimacy demarcates a private zone, one that requires tolerance and respect. It is a space—physical, emotional, and intellectual—that belongs only to me. Not everything needs to be revealed. Everyone should cultivate a secret garden.